Supporting Your Transgender Loved Ones

Someone You Care About Just Told You They’re Transgender—Now What?

First and foremost, take a moment to recognize something important: they chose to tell you. In a world where being transgender is still stigmatized and often misunderstood, opening up about one’s identity takes incredible courage. It means they trust you. They value your presence in their life, and they want you to see them for who they truly are. That’s something special.

You might have a lot of questions—about what this means, how to respond, or even how it might affect your relationship. All these questions are valid and indicate the importance influence your loved one has in your life.  Equally important to consider:  “This must’ve been tough for them—how can I best support them?”

The first step is to educate yourself—even if this space feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Remember, any discomfort you might feel is a fraction of what they’ve likely experienced. It’s also important not to rely on them to teach you everything about being transgender. They’ve already done a lot of emotional work just to be open with you. Instead, take the initiative to read, listen, and learn from reliable sources.  

Socially, there has been an increase in generational awareness around gender.  For those raised with a dichotomous view of gender, this presents an opportunity for you to expand your understanding of gender, the way in which gender occurs across a continuum.  When we approach learning with curiosity, compassion, and openness, it allows us to grow interpersonally and how we experience the world.  

So, What Does the Term “Transgender” Mean?

The truth is, science has yet to definitively determine that which predicts how an individual will identify in terms of sexual orientation or gender identity.  What we do know is that there is no single variable, whether it be biology, environment, or individual life experiences, the determines identity.  Most likely, all these factors influence all the important aspects of our identity.  And diversity in identity contributes to the beautiful and rich tapestry that makes up humankind (The Trevor Project, 2019).

The term transgender is used to describe a person that experiences a disconnect between the gender they were assigned at birth (usually based on body’s anatomy) and their true gender identity. This is not a choice, a phase, or simply about appearance. Those are harmful and misleading myths. Being transgender is as real and intrinsic as your eye color—it’s simply part of who someone is.  While not true for every person, those that identify as transgendered, many of those that do also experience significant gender dysphoria (psychological distress resulting from incongruence between gender and biological sex), which is often intensified by social stigma and a lack of understanding within their families, communities, and other important spaces.  For this reason, having a strong support system often serves as a buffer against other negative experiences.  Highlighting the significance of having a strong support system, research has shown that in the past year, an average of 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered suicide, with even higher rates among transgender and nonbinary youth.  Most importantly, research has shown that having just one supportive person consistently present in their life can cut that risk in half (The Trevor Project, 2021).

What’s the Difference Between Biological Sex, Sexual Orientation, Gender, Identity, and Gender Expression?

In my work with clients exploring their identities, one of the most common sources of stress  comes from feeling like the community confuses terms like sex, gender, and orientation and frequently uses them as if they are interchangable. Although often lumped together, they are each distinct parts of who we are. Understanding the difference can deepen empathy, reduce stigma, and support mental well-being—for yourself or someone you love.  So, let’s break them down:

Biological Sex:  This refers to the physical characteristics you’re born with—chromosomes, hormones, reproductive organs, and secondary sex traits. Most infants are labeled as male or female at birth.  While biological sex is often assumed to determine everything else, this is actually an oversimplification of sex, as intersex individuals are both with ma. But that’s an oversimplification. Intersex individualssimply don’t fit neatly into these categories.

Gender Identity: This is your internal sense of self—how you feel and understand your own gender. You might identify as a man, a woman, both, neither, or somewhere in between. This identity might match your biological sex—or it may not. When it doesn’t, a person may identify as transgender or nonbinary.

Gender Expression:  Gender expression is how you outwardly present your gender identity through things like clothing, hairstyle, voice, or behavior. It’s what the world sees, but it may or may not reflect someone’s internal identity. A person assigned male at birth might wear makeup or skirts that are traditionally labeled as female.  However, this alone, does not mean a person identifies as transgender, but because that’s how they feel most authentic expressing themselves.

Sexual Orientation:  This has nothing to do with gender identity or expression. Sexual orientation refers to who you’re emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to. Someone can be cisgender (identify with the sex they were assigned at birth) and gay, transgender and straight, nonbinary and bisexual—the combinations are as diverse as humanity itself.

This following graphic is a wonderful representation, originally created by the Trans Student Educational Resources organization and further developed by Dr. Erica Jayne Friedman at Florida International University.  It is widely used to educate people on the differences between gender identity, gender expression, sex, sexuality, and beyond.  These areas tend to be the most confusing elements that the trans community are often unfairly expected to explain to society.  (FIU.edu, 2021).  

*Image Credit: Florida International State University*

"Developed by Associate Director of LGBTQA Initiatives at FIU, Dr. Erica Jayne Friedman, the Flying Gender Unicorn is a tool used to expand on a discussion of differences between sexuality identity, sexual attraction, emotional attraction, gender identity, gender expression, and gender assigned at birth."

How Can You Support Your Loved Ones?

In order to understand the best way to support a community, it’s important you first understand their risk factors.  Research has consistently shown those that identify as transgendered and are rejected by their family, friends and/or communities, are much more likely to engage in self-harm and/or consider suicide due to the distress they experience in life, sometimes as early as the tender age 4.  Approximately 54.8% of transgender individuals report self-injury, and 31% have attempted suicide. However, it is important to consider that those with supportive people in their lives are 82% less likely to attempt suicide. So if you take anything away from this, know the impact that you have on them by being supportive and showing up in their lives. (Taliaferro, 2019)

One of the best ways to show up for a loved one is to be authentically present in their life.  Be there if they need to talk and ask questions with the goal of understanding their experience.  Many people are afraid that they are going to say the wrong thing or just simply won’t

understand, so they shy away from what feels like a difficult conversation.  However, showing  interest and a desire to understand by asking questions shows that you do care, that you want to understand the right things to say, and that you are prepared to walk this road both with them and in support of them.

Why It Matters

When we understand these distinctions, we create safer, more supportive environments for everyone. For some people, clarifying these terms can be a lifeline—it validates their experience and reduces commonly felt feelings of shame and confusion. For others, it’s simply a chance to expand on their empathy and build deeper connections.  If you're feeling unsure or overwhelmed by these concepts, that’s okay. What matters most is your willingness to listen, learn, and approach each person as the expert on their own experience.

Resources

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA.

Becerra-Culqui, T., Liu, Y., Nash, R., Cromwell, L., Flanders, D., Getahun, D., & Goodman, M. (2018). Mental health of transgender and gender nonconforming youth compared with their peers. American Academy of Pediatrics. 141,5. DOI: 10.1542/peds.2017-3845.

Birnkrant, J. M. & Przeworski. (2017). Communication, advocacy, and acceptance amongsupport-seeking parents of transgender youth. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Mental Health. 21:2 , 132-153. DOI: 10.1080/19359705.2016.1277173

The flying gender unicorn. (2020, July 15). Retrieved from: https://studentaffairs.fiu.edu/get-involved/social-justice-and-inclusion/pride-center/_assets/theflyinggenderunicorn.pdf

Panagiotakopoulos, L. (2018). Transgender medicine - Puberty suppression. Reviews in Endocrine and Metabolic Disorders. 19 , 221-225. doi:10.1007/s11154-018-9457-0.

Priest, M. (2019). Transgender children and the right to transition: Medical ethics when parents mean well but cause harm. American Journal of Bioethics. 19 (2) :45-59.

Ruth, R. R. & Santacruz, E. (2017). LGBT psychology and mental health: Emerging research and advances. Santa Barbara, CA.

Trevor support center glossary. (2019, May 21). Retrieved from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/glossary/

The Trevor Project. (2021). 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health. West Hollywood, California: The Trevor Project.

Turban, J. L. & Keuroghlian, K.S. (2018). Dynamic gender presentations: understanding transition and “de-transition” among transgender youth. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 57:7 , 451-453. DOI:10.1016/j.jaac.2018.03.016.

Understanding gender. (2019, May 22). Retrieved fromhttps://www.genderspectrum.org/quick-links/understanding-gender/.