Invisible Scars: Understanding the Effects of Coercive Control
When we think about abusive relationships, we often picture bruises, broken bones, raised voices, and other visible signs of abuse. But some of the most damaging forms of abuse leave no physical marks at all. Coercive control is an insidious pattern of behavior that systematically strips away a person's autonomy, sense of self, and connection to the outside world. Unlike a single incident of violence, coercive control operates through ongoing psychological manipulation, creating an invisible prison that can be nearly impossible for outsiders to recognize. If you've ever felt like you're walking on eggshells, constantly second-guessing yourself, or unable to explain why you feel so trapped despite the absence of physical violence, understanding how coercive control operates may help you understand and give language to your experience.
Coercive control works gradually, often beginning so subtly that victims don't recognize the pattern until they're deeply entangled. The abuser may start with seemingly loving gestures—wanting to spend all their time together, showing intense interest in every detail of the victim's life, offering to "help" by managing finances or making decisions to relieve their partner’s stress. Over time, these behaviors reveal themselves as mechanisms of control: isolation from friends and family, monitoring of communications and whereabouts, restriction of access to money or resources, and constant criticism disguised as concern. Each individual incident might seem minor or even justifiable, but together they create a comprehensive system of domination that leaves the victim feeling powerless and confused.
Understanding Coercive Control
The term coercive control has gained increasing attention in discussions about intimate partner violence. Despite this, the profile for coercive control nevertheless remains poorly understood—which often results in survivors feeling that their experience is minimized or dismissed altogether. In fact, one of the most insidious aspects of coercive control is that it often flies under the radar.
The psychological toll of coercive control is far-reaching and devastating. Victims frequently report feeling trapped in ways that those on the outside may struggle to understand. Survivors often report feeling their sense of autonomy dissolving, their relationships outside the partnership withering, and their self-worth being systematically dismantled through relentless criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation. Because coercive control operates just beneath the surface, and doesn’t leave physical marks, it can be difficult for those outside of the relationship to understand what a survivor is experiencing. When they begin to share their experience, survivors often fear they won't be believed, making them reluctant to seek help or explore community resources. The absence of visible proof of the abuse compounds the isolation and self-doubt that coercive control intentionally cultivates.
The Psychological Impact of Coercive Control
Unlike other forms of abuse, coercive control typically involves a broader range of psychological tactics designed to dominate and control every aspect of the survivor’s life. It is a particularly dangerous form of psychological abuse intended to restrict an individual’s freedom and sense of movement in the world. The complexity and sophistication of the abuse often go undetected by those outside the relationship, as the behaviors described by the victim are inconsistent with how others perceive the abuser. It is common for coercively controlling partners to be seen as charming, dedicated, and admired. Abusive partners often master the skill of flying under the radar—their abusive behavior unnoticed by others as they put significant effort into managing their public image. T he disparity between the public behavior of abusive partners and how they behave behind closed doors not only isolates victims, but also makes it difficult for victims to seek help or explore resources for fear of not being believed, which only heightens their feelings of powerlessness.
Moving Forward: Healing from Coercive Control
Healing from coercive control takes time but, with time, survivors can reclaim their sense of Self, rebuild their capacity for trust, and eventually experience the safety and intimacy they deserve. With support and patience, they can create relationships built on mutual respect, genuine care, and peace—free from fear and manipulation. Survivors can regain their sense of autonomy and begin to rebuild relationships with family and friends they initially thought they lost to the abuse. Every person is worthy of love and respect, and everyone deserves to live a life free from fear and manipulation. It’s important to remind yourself that no matter how long you’ve been in the relationship or how deeply the control has taken root, there are resources in place to support you and keep you safe if you choose to leave the relationship. Most importantly, know that you are not to blame. You are strong, you are capable, and you can reconnect with the part of yourself you once thought was lost.
If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control or another form of intimate partner violence, my practice is a safe space to seek support. Therapy offers a critical lifeline—a space to reclaim personal power and begin rebuilding what the abuse has eroded. Together, our work focuses on restoring a sense of self, establishing genuine safety, and healing the deep traumatic wounds that develop when the person we love is also a source of pain.
