The Basics of Boundaries
Boundaries are a form of self-care that protects us from relationships becoming intrusive, overwhelming, or unsafe. At their core, boundaries define where one person ends, and another begins—they are the invisible lines that distinguish one’s thoughts, feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. While many assume boundaries create distance or conflict, they actually foster deeper intimacy by providing a healthy structure for connection. Without boundaries, relationships lack the safety and clarity needed for genuine vulnerability and trust. Clear boundaries communicate an individual's limits and needs, enabling others to understand how to interact respectfully while allowing that person to prioritize their well-being. Boundaries signal self-respect and self-awareness: when individuals know their limits and communicate them clearly, they honor their own needs while also respecting others' right to make their own choices about how to respond. Boundaries are not walls designed to keep others out, they are thresholds that determine how individuals may enter and connect with someone's authentic self.
Why Boundaries Feel Difficult
Many people struggle with boundaries because they were raised in families where boundaries were either nonexistent or excessively rigid—both of which make authentic connections more challenging. When someone grows up in a family with diffused boundaries, it can be difficult to know where one person ends and another begins (Gerson, 2010). Intimacy may feel invasive or overwhelming at times, contributing to feelings of distress (Tawwab, 2021). Attempts to set boundaries are often met with resistance, including accusations of being selfish, withholding, or unnecessarily difficult.
For individuals with a significant history of trauma, particularly attachment-based trauma, establishing and enforcing boundaries can be especially challenging. Having learned to disregard or override their own intuition in order to preserve connection, they may struggle to assert their needs (Myer et al., 2014). This pattern increases vulnerability to external pressure and to compromising personal boundaries in an effort to maintain a felt sense of safety and relational closeness (Svae et al., 2022).
If someone learned that setting limits meant they were selfish, difficult, or unloving, establishing boundaries as an adult can trigger feelings of guilt and anxiety. Some respond to trauma by developing a need to please others. People that were raised in homes where boundaries were disregarded or punished, many of these adults have internalized a belief that their needs are less important than ensuring others' comfort (Myer et al., 2014). As a result, they will often suppress their own discomfort to maintain connections. This relational pattern is not a personal failure—it begins as a means of self-protection that, over time, generalizes to other significant relationships across their lives.
Four Primary Types of Boundaries
Psychological boundaries protect an individual's cognitive and emotional well-being by providing control over what information and interactions are allowed in (Cheng et al., 2023). For instance, a person may limit their exposure to news or social media, end conversations that become hostile or triggering, choose to avoid discussions that feel draining or unproductive, and refrain from internalizing messages about their worth that others may project onto them.
Emotional boundaries establish essential separation between an individual's emotional experiences and those of others, shielding them from becoming overwhelmed by external emotions or losing their sense of self within another person's experiences (Chernata, 2024b). For instance, a person may express their needs clearly without absorbing feelings of shame or blame, communicate the requirement for time or space when faced with emotional dysregulation, and set limits on the support they feel able and comfortable providing to others.
Physical boundaries involve an individual's capacity to establish limits on their physical space, including, but not limited to, their own body. These boundaries help a person recognize and manage their personal space, decide who is permitted to enter it and who is not, and determine how to handle their personal property (Chernata, 2024a). For instance, someone may request that others refrain from accessing their personal belongings (such as a phone, purse, or journal) without permission, refuse unwanted physical touch regardless of age or social norms, decide who can enter their home and when, and choose how close others may stand or sit near them.
Sexual boundaries safeguard an individual's bodily autonomy, comfort, and consent in intimate settings. For example, a person may decline sexual acts that do not feel comfortable, insist on the use of contraception, establish and utilize safe words during certain activities, set explicit expectations regarding what they are and are not willing to do sexually, and recognize that consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason (Svae et al., 2022).
When Boundaries Become Blurred
When boundaries are blurred, individuals experience progressive depletion—emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Individuals may agree to commitments they do not desire, tolerate treatment that violates their values or sense of safety, and consistently place others' needs above their own in order to avoid conflict or abandonment (Jamieson, 2005). This ongoing pattern of self-abandonment gradually diminishes their sense of identity and agency, often resulting in anxiety, depression, chronic stress-related health issues, and increasingly strained relationships.
When boundaries remain unclear or are repeatedly violated, confusion permeates one’s relationships. Individuals are left guessing about each other's expectations and limits, while simultaneously losing touch with their own. Such ambiguity generates ongoing anxiety, as individuals attempt to navigate relationships without a clear guide, uncertain about what is acceptable or when boundaries have been crossed (Jamieson, 2005). Family members may intrude into personal matters while insisting they are "just trying to help," or dismiss one’s attempts at boundary-setting as oversensitivity or rejection (Burke et al., 2022). In these dynamics, individuals begin to question their own perceptions and needs, wondering if they are being unreasonable for wanting privacy, autonomy, or respect.
Paradoxically, the very behavior intended to preserve connection—accommodating others at one’s own expense—typically damages relationships as resentment builds and authentic engagement becomes impossible. Individuals can withdraw emotionally, even while remaining physically present, creating the illusion of connection without its substance.
For individuals with Binge Eating Disorder, or BED, the absence of boundaries creates a particularly challenging dynamic. Without the ability to set limits on others' demands or protect against emotional intrusion, overwhelming feelings have no appropriate outlet or container (Groth et al., 2020). When emotions cannot be expressed, processed in a relationship, or managed through healthy coping strategies, food often becomes the primary method of regulation—offering temporary relief from the accumulated stress, anger, sadness, or anxiety that boundary violations generate (Palmisano et al., 2016). Binge eating, in this context, functions as both a coping mechanism for emotional overwhelm and a form of reclaiming control in a life where personal autonomy feels consistently compromised.
How to Set Boundaries Effectively
Effective boundaries are clear, direct, and calm. Rather than over-explaining or apologizing, an individual can set their limits simply, such as "I'm not available to talk right now," "I need you to please stop commenting on my food choices," or "I will not continue this conversation if you continue to raise your voice." One does not need to justify their boundaries or convince others that they are reasonable - boundaries exist to protect, and they are not to be debated. Pushback can be expected, especially from people who benefited from a lack of boundaries in the past. Boundary violations will occur; what matters is how the individual responds (Burke et al., 2022). Consistent follow-through—calmly enforcing the boundary when it is crossed—demonstrates to others that the individual is serious and helps reinforce their confidence in the right to set limits.
The Gift of Healthy Boundaries
When boundaries are clearly established, individuals understand where they stand with others and what to expect from their relationships. Well-defined boundaries instruct others on how to treat them, conserve energy for what matters most, and cultivate space for genuine connection rather than resentful compliance (Chernata, 2024a). Rather than creating distance, boundaries invite others into relationships with their authentic selves—not the exhausted, resentful version that arises when limits are consistently ignored (Burke et al., 2022). Healthy boundaries demonstrate respect: they honor the needs and humanity of the person setting them, while also respecting others’ autonomy to choose how they respond to those limits. In families impacted by Binge Eating Disorder (BED), learning to set and honor boundaries often becomes a foundation for recovery—for both the individual with the eating disorder and the entire family system (Groth et al., 2020; Palmisano et al., 2016).
References
Burke, T. J., Young, V. J., & Duggan, A. (2022). Recognizing the blurred boundary between health‐related support and control in close relationships. Personal Relationships, 29(4), 644-673.
Cheng, S., Kuo, C.-C., Chen, H.-C., & Lin, M.-C. (2023). The impact of perceived organizational care on employee engagement: A moderated mediation model of psychological capital and managing boundaries. Journal of Career Development, 50(1), 150–167. https://doi.org/10.1177/08948453211070829
Chernata, T. (2024a). Personal boundaries: definition, role, and impact on mental health. Personality and environmental issues, 3(1), 24-30.
Chernata, T. (2024b). The role of emotional intelligence in the personal boundaries formation. Personality and environmental issues, 3(3), 59-66.
Gerson, K. (2010). The unfinished revolution: How a new generation is reshaping family, work, and gender in America. Oxford University Press.
Groth, T., Hilsenroth, M., Boccio, D., & Gold, J. (2020). Relationship between trauma history and eating disorders in adolescents. Journal of child & adolescent trauma, 13(4), 443-453.
Jamieson, L. (2005). "Eleven: Boundaries of intimacy". In Families in Society. Policy Press. https://doi.org/10.51952/9781847421371.ch011
Myer, R. A., Williams, R. C., Haley, M., Brownfield, J. N., McNicols, K. B., & Pribozie, N. (2014). Crisis intervention with families: Assessing changes in family characteristics. The Family Journal, 22(2), 179–185. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480713513551
Palmisano, G. L., Innamorati, M., & Vanderlinden, J. (2016). Life adverse experiences in relation with obesity and binge eating disorder: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 5(1), 11-31.
Svae, G. B., Blixt, L., & Søndenaa, E. (2022). Personal and sexual boundaries: the experiences of people with intellectual disabilities. BMC Public Health, 22. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-022-14181-x
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.
