The Pattern Behind the Pain: Understanding Intimate Partner Violence
The cycle of violence is a recurring and observable pattern within relationships where intimate partner violence occurs over time. Understanding how this cycle functions provides survivors with a powerful framework, thereby offering language and structure to experiences that previously felt chaotic or indescribable. By highlighting the psychological and relational dynamics that make leaving an abusive relationship so complex, bringing to light how the cycle of violence serves as a validating lens through which survivors can feel seen—often for the first time. This insight enables survivors to construct a cohesive narrative and begin the process of constructing meaning from what they have endured.
The cycle unfolds in three distinct phases, each fulfilling a specific psychological function that sustains the abusive dynamic. Each stage in the cycle of violence operates on multiple levels—behavioral, emotional, cognitive, and relational—all rooted in unmet attachment needs. It’s like a dance fueled by profound mis-attunement, where both people are trying to adapt and survive within it. The cycle of violence is both powerful and effective in that it conditions both people by drawing on the principle of intermittent reinforcement. This type of reinforcement is particularly compelling because you cannot predict when the reward—in this case love, safety, or survival,—with come. This encourages a person to continue to seek the reward in the hope it will eventually be granted to them. In the case of relational violence, the abuser learns that their behavior is effective and allows them to reassert control. Conversely, the survivor learns their compliance or forgiveness allows them to feel safe again—even if only for a brief time. Both partners remain trapped in a destructive loop—one through power, the other through survival.
The cycle of violence can be understood as a pervasive pattern that's deliberately disorienting. It disrupts a survivor’s sense of reality, their judgment, and their ability to trust their own perceptions.
Phase One: Tension Building
The tension-building stage is the first phase of the cycle of violence — and, in many respects, it’s the engine that keeps the entire cycle continuing. It’s the point at which both the abuser and the survivor begin to shift into roles that preserve the power and control dynamics of the relationship. From the abuser’s perspective, this phase is about reasserting control and managing their own internal discomfort by externalizing it onto their partner. Instead of developing the skills to process their emotions in a healthy way, they displace them onto their partner in the form of irritability, criticism, intimidation, or subtle threats. This tension building is often less about the actual trigger and more about the abuser’s need to restore a sense of dominance, along with a misguided attempt to emotionally regulate through control. Many survivors report that it is within this phase where they can feel the explosion is imminent. Anxiety and hypervigilance within the relational system increases in response to the increased and unspoken anger their partner shows. Many survivors will attempt to neutralize the distress by trying to anticipate their needs and manage their partner’s change in mood to prevent the explosion. However, this is rarely effective, as the explosion is a product of their partner’s internal experience—not their own behavior. Once the cycle has been put into motion, it’s rare that anything the survivor may do would effectively interrupt the cycle.
Phase Two: Acute Battering Incident
This phase is where the explosion occurs. The event may include physical violence, psychological abuse, or sexual assault. This is the most dangerous of the three phases of the cycle, and the length of the explosion can vary—it may last a few minutes, hours, or even days. While the explosion may present itself in a variety of forms, it serves an important function as it allows the abusive partner to discharge tension and reassert control.
The explosion is traumatic—the brain shifts into survival mode, causing executive functioning to shut down to support the body’s ability to fight, flee, or freeze. Because the brain’s ability to engage in reasoning is compromised and survivors often dissociate during the explosive event, it’s common for survivors to struggle to recall the details of the abuse. When survival is on the line, the brain stores traumatic memories differently. Memory and the recall of specific details of the event are often disorganized (as opposed to chronologically organized) and may feel hazy. Hence, what starts as biological hardwiring rooted in survival is then, often, misinterpreted as a lack of cooperation—or even dramatizing or manufacturing—because of the inability to back up claims with concrete evidence when challenged by a partner, law enforcement, or even a clinician. As a result, the minimization of the severity of the event becomes a secondary offense, thereby reinforcing feelings of guilt, shame, isolation, and self-blame.
Phase Three: Reconciliation Phase (a.k.a. Honeymoon Phase)
Following the acute battering event, abusive partners frequently exhibit contrition and affection, often reminiscent of the relationship's early stages. The abusive partner demonstrates remorse through apologies, lavish gifts, and unwavering attention. With this comes the promise of change. Survivors, desperate to feel safe and invested in preserving the relationship, are vulnerable to such gestures and frequently interpret them as evidence of transformation.
The reconciliation phase is critical in establishing and maintaining the trauma bond that characterizes abusive relationships. The survivor experiences cognitive dissonance as they attempt to reconcile two contradictory realities: the violent partner and the loving partner that coexist within the same individual. This intermittent reinforcement pattern of affection, defined by a pattern of vacillation between abuse and affection, represents one of the most powerful psychological bonding mechanisms documented in attachment literature. The unpredictability of when affection will follow violence creates a hope-based attachment that becomes increasingly difficult to sever, as the survivor remains focused on reclaiming the positive aspects of the relationship, while rationalizing the abuse.
The reconciliation phase also serves a strategic function for the abuser--whether consciously manipulative or unconsciously driven by deep attachment wounds.
First, it temporarily restores the abusive partner’s positive self-image: the guilt and shame the abuser may feel after the violence is alleviated when their partner forgives them and the relationship appears to have been salvaged.
Second, it reinforces a survivor's faith in their ability to elicit the positive qualities in their partner, thereby inadvertently increasing a felt sense of responsibility for managing their partner's behavior and emotions. This belief keeps survivors engaged in the relationship, convinced that if they can just find the right approach or be "good enough," they can stop the abuse—which serves the abuser by maintaining control while avoiding accountability for their harmful behavior.
Third, it creates confusion about the nature of the relationship itself—if their partner were consistently abusive, the decision to leave would be straightforward, but the presence of genuine moments of connection, intimacy, and affection make leaving feel like they are abandoning someone they love during their time of struggle.
Over time, there is often a shift—the reconciliation phase gets shorter or may disappear entirely, the tension-building phase gets longer, and the violence may escalate. Typically, by this time, a survivor feels her survival is controlled by their partner, and they are isolated or cut off from their strongest support systems. By this time, a survivor has internalized a belief that if they simply try harder they can re-engage the reconciliation phase permanently.
Understanding these three stages—tension-building, acute battering, and the honeymoon period—reveals the insidious and systematic nature of abuse. It underscores that abuse is not random or impulsive, but instead follows a predictable pattern that intensifies over time. Each phase contributes to keeping the survivor disoriented, clinging to fleeting moments of hope, and ultimately trapped within a relentless and vicious cycle.
